I have something of a love/hate relationship with my brain. We were pretty good buddies until my late 20s, at which point it went in the opposite direction to how I had life planned - and we're still trying to repair that relationship.

Over the last three years we've taken positive, but tentative, steps to work together more and things are much better than the were a decade ago. But occasionally my brain still goes and does its own thing and waits for the rest of me to catch-up, a bit like an unruly teenager trying to avoid any kind of responsibilities, knowing eventually they'll have to pay for it. And because my brain pretty much decides how I behave (alongside pizza, football, wrestling and music) I have to go along for the ride while I try and wrestle (no pun intended) some control back.

Our latest reunification started around 7.40pm on Tuesday night - I can't say the exact time because the clock on the wall was hours and minutes behind (or in front, I guess, you never can tell) and I didn't have my watch on. But I know I was nearly halfway through my second ever judo class and gasping for breath when the conversation started.

- Hey Mike! Buddy! Old friend!
- Fucking douchebag brain.
- That's not nice. Aren't you having fun?
- Sure, I'm having fun. Grappling is great - it almost feels like wrestling. Until I just about collapsed. I'm fucking dying here.
- Of course you are. You're a 43-year-old obese man who hasn't done serious exercise in a very long time.
- But I lost like 13kgs. And when I look in the mirror I definitely look thinner. And I couldn't fit in these jeans just a few weeks back. And I'm on the last hole of my belt.
- All of these things are true.
- So why do I feel like shit?
- Because you're still a 43-year-old man who has done virtually no exercise in decades. And you still weigh 130kgs. Did you seriously think that eight weeks of eating healthy and doing some mild exercise was enough to offset all those years of neglect?
- Not exactly but I...
- Jesus, you really are a fucking idiot! You can't even crouch properly.
- Hey, that's harsh.
- Let me put this in small words you might understand. If. You. Want. To. Do. This. Properly. You. Have. To. Be. Smaller. And. Fitter.
- That's not true. I can continue doing this and participating where I can - and sitting out when I get too tired.
- So you can get a fucking participation certificate?
- Hey, it's not my fault! You were the one who told me to do this right now.
- And yet the Gi doesn't fit and you can't tie the belt properly because it won't go around you twice.
- I was aware. Thanks. But I thought you were helping me!
- So NOW you expect me to make good decisions? The same brain that told you that you desperately needed an XBox One 18 months ago? You know, that black thing that sits on your desk that never gets played? Or made you register like 50 different domain names for all the amazing ideas I come up with? Or makes you buy Moleskin notebooks every few months when you still have plenty unused ones?
- Okay, okay. You've made your point. I have burns on my legs and toes. I have a weird mark on my head, my back hurts and I'm feeling about 60 right now. I'm realising that I was perhaps a little premature.
- And not for the first time, eh? Eh?
- Again, fuck you.
- A bit premature? Dude, I had you thinking you were fucking 16 again. Oh, this is my best one yet.
- So what about the wrestling. Was that one of your stupid ideas too?
- Hell no, dude. That's fucking genius. But we need to work together on that one.

Our coming back together was completed late last night. I'd just come off a two-hour work call and was absolutely knackered - yet still couldn't sleep. The conversation restarted.

- Hey brain. You there? What do I do now? I'm going to let so many people down if I stop.
- Who exactly are you letting down?
- Well, all those people who write and say nice things about me on the internet. And particularly Sam.
- Are they stupid too?
- Fuck no, they're some of the most brilliant people I know. And Sam has never been anything but supportive with anything I've done.
- And are you giving judo up for ever?
- Nope. I'm going to stop until my body is better ready to put it through the things it needs to be able to do to take a full part in this.
- That sounds kinda sensible.
- Really?
- Yep. And are you giving up on wrestling?
- Nope, that's still the goal
- So what exactly is the prob...

There was no flash of light to signify us coming back together again, no jolt of brain chemistry that glowed in the darkness - just a large, bearded man falling asleep, possibly a little more contented and less worried than previously.

I woke this morning for another 37 minutes on the exercise bike and an early work call. The body hurts a little less than it did yesterday, although those blister burns on my toes hurt like fuck - but I do have a clearer, and more sensible, way forward in my head.

In this case it didn't break me - it brought me back together.

Judo is going to take a little bit of a back seat while I concentrate on embedding my healthy eating habits, getting more exercise and fitter than I currently am. I know now that if I persist with judo in the condition I'm in then I'm going to end up hating it - and soon.

Not only does that threaten my goal to wrestle, it also threatens to put me back on my path of unhealthy eating - hey, if there's one way to get over a massive disappointment it's buying a whole pizza, 12 bags of Maltesers, five litres of Irn Bru and some tasty balsamic vinegar and onion crisps and scoffing the whole fucking lot. I can't take that risk. Not now. Not ever.

It's time to make sensible decisions, to not push things too hard and to say to myself that it's okay to not do everything at once. I'm at my lowest weight in two years, my second lowest in nearly a decade. I'm doing fine and I'm letting no-one down - and that includes myself. Judo will still be there at the start of the next semester in February. And if I'm not ready then it'll still be ready in May. I don't have to do this all at once. And probably shouldn't.

So where to next?

I've got a 10-class pass to Boxing Alley to see if that fits a little better with where I am with my weight loss and fitness levels - but I won't be afraid to temper that excitement if it becomes apparent it's just too soon. And that trusty exercise bike is still going strong - so using that a couple of times a day is an option. But I'm not giving up.

After all, you can't undo decades worth of neglect in a few weeks. A sometimes wise brain once told me that...

Day: 58
Weight lost: 13.0kgs
Feeling: A little disappointed but determined
Wrestling dream: Still alive and kicking!